Lisa took summer with her when she left. The gray sky is back and my mood has turned to melancholy. You can see fall everywhere in my favorite park. The cold has licked the leaves, turning their tips to gold and red. How did fall come so fast, and where did summer go?
This summer was supposed to be our time. A time to explore our new city - Bainbridge/Seattle, and the surrounding outskirts. It was supposed to be a time to celebrate - our 30th anniversary, Kelsey's homecoming from Africa. We had plans, vacations, so many hopes for this summer.
Instead it has been time lost. Since my surgery, on Cinco de mayo, this summer has been all about breast cancer. It's been countless doctor visits. Treatments, shots, pills, recovery. It's been terrible side effects, fatigue, pain, lack of appetite, metallic tastes and smells. It has been a small world for me, centered in my house, or often, in my bed.
There have been no rafting trips, no Sea Ranch, no hiking, no swimming. Even dinners out are robbed of the familiar tastes of good food and a nice glass of wine. A friend asked me recently what I am doing to bring joy into my life right now. The question felt like a punch in my gut. Joy? I really can't remember joy.
Which is not to say that I haven't had happy moments this summer. Small things like watching nature, taking Butch to the park, reading a good book, sitting by our fire pit. The best times have been visits with family and friends. Special moments of connection, support, love.
I'm returning to work today, back to the office for the first time since my final chemo. I've been able to call into meetings and work online, but I'm still weak and tire quickly. This will be a test of my strength - do I have the stamina for the commute and a day in the office?
I hope I can begin to return to a regular schedule, a regular life. Seeing the kids waiting for their school buses reminds me that life has it's cycles. Even though this was my lost summer, fall is beginning and it's time to focus again. I'm ready to be past chemo and past cancer. I'm looking forward to the change of season and the colors of fall. Hopefully it's the start of a new season for me.
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