Reconstruction - Oct. 11, 2014

Last Friday, Oct 3, I started my day with a hike up the hill to the hospital for a bone density scan. This will set a baseline for monitoring the impact of the aromatase inhibitors on my system, as bone loss is one of the most serious side effects. Happily, hiking the 13 blocks up Seattle's First Hill was not so bad! I feel like my strength is slowly returning, and so walking up the hill without struggling really feels good.

 

After the scan, I also walked back to work, enjoying the crisp morning air. I noticed small things along the way: fall leaves, morning shoppers, people walking their dogs. The sun was out, I was feeling good. It was a great start to my day. Later in the afternoon, after a day filled with work meetings and preparing for my business trip to the east coast, I headed back up the hill to meet with my plastic surgeon. This was my pre-surgery appointment for my reconstruction surgery, which is scheduled for October 16. The discussion with my doctor was a bit sobering. Joe came with me to hear the details about the surgery and recovery, I think mostly so he could hear all the restrictions from her firsthand.

 

This final surgery turns out to be a bit more involved than I expected. The doctor was pretty clear that I will need to stay at home for at least the first week, and do no lifting or physical activity involving my upper body for 3-4 weeks. She warned us that women can cause serious complications if they return to regular activity, too soon. It was hard to imagine another setback and recovery period. Just when I was starting to feel strong and healthy, now I will be back to work on recovery from another treatment. That is the hard part about cancer, you actually have to hurt your body in the effort to heal.

 

This final surgery is especially hard to prepare for as it is not about treating the cancer. This time I am going through surgery, and all the associated pain, for reconstruction. I am going through this to replace the breast that had cancer, and was removed during my mastectomy. I continue to struggle over whether reconstruction is the right choice for me. I have already completed much of the process for reconstruction, so at the very least I have to go through some surgery to remove the expander that is currently in place. Still full reconstruction is a complicated process. I am sure that a year from now, I will know better whether this was the right choice for me, whether it was worth all this new pain and recovery. But right now, it feels like a big price to pay, just to have an artificial breast that will never be the same as the one I lost to cancer.

This process is complicated, both physically and emotionally. It leaves me with lots of questions. More and more women are choosing to not have reconstruction after mastectomy. I have finished having kids and my breasts have already served their primary purpose. Does it make me less of a woman if I only have one breast? Is it vanity, or the need to feel normal, that made me choose reconstruction? Is it really worth the pain and recovery of another surgery? What if the cancer returns and all this is for naught?

 

I also wonder if the emotions I am feeling are more about the reconstruction of my life, than the reconstruction of my body. I can only hope that as I put this final surgery behind me, my life can return to something close to "normal". I hope I can return to something like what my life was like, before cancer.