10 Days Out - Oct 27, 2014

It's been 10 days since reconstruction surgery! I was expecting to feel a lot better by now, but also appreciate what has improved. Last Friday was my follow-up appointment with my surgeon. She took off the mummy bandages and removed the dreaded drain. Without the bandages, I can breathe again when I move. Without the drain, I can SHOWER!! No more sponge baths!!

 They were able to take out a few stitches, but had to leave most of them in place. The incisions were still not healed enough to take them all out, which means I still need to be very cautious about moving my arms - no reaching overhead or pushing/pulling anything! I won't be able to carry things or lift until after another 3 weeks. That makes my commute to work a bit challenging. My plan is to return to work this Wednesday, on a limited schedule.

The pain level continues to be challenging. During the day it is manageable, as long as I limit my activity. Too much movement, walking, even working at my computer and the muscles and tissue that were hurt during surgery get very angry. At night, when trying to sleep, everything seems to hurt. I'm not sure if it's only the surgery or also the long term cancer meds, but it is making sleep very challenging. I need lots of sleep to heal, but sleep is difficult with pain. I have been fortunate that I have been able to work from home, which allows me to sleep longer in the mornings.

The cumulative effect of surgeries, chemo and all the meds seems to be making this recovery slower than expected. I know that a year from now, these few weeks will seem like a short phase of this whole cancer process, but right now I just want it to be over.

As I lay awake, hoping for sleep, I question my choice for this surgery, again. Reconstruction, after all, is elective. I could have been done with surgery by now if I had made different choices. Although I look "normal" again, I don't yet feel normal, or even without pain. I need some time and space from this before I will know for sure whether this was the best choice for me. What I do know is that this is both very personal and much harder than I ever imagined. 10 days out is too soon to know, how I will feel longer term. I do know that I have more empathy and respect than I did before for people who choose to forgo reconstruction, for those who do it, and everything in between. This is hard stuff, no matter what we choose.