The Art of Letting Go

As they wheeled me to the surgery room, to remove my right breast, I found myself reflecting on all that has changed for me in this past year. I have been through so much change, that at times it feels overwhelming.  I started a new job with the Gates Foundation and my husband, Joe, retired from teaching.  We moved to Seattle after living in our Columbia River Gorge house for over 20 years. We bought a new house and started learning a new way of life.  Everything is hard when you move, finding new doctors, dentists, hair dressers, even new grocery stores makes you feel unsettled. I found myself fighting the personal transitions, while Joe embraced the changes.  We moved for my job, and I love my work and the people at the Foundation, but Joe is the one who has found his people and his routine. The personal side of these changes has been harder for me than I ever expected. I am still working on making this place into my home.

Shortly before my diagnosis, we had decided to sell our Gorge house.  I struggled with that decision, as well.  We raised our three kids in that house, it's rooms are full with a lifetime of memories and possessions.  I thought I would live there forever. That was my place, my happily ever after. As I was struggling with all these life changes, there were so many things I was clinging to from my previous life.  Then I was diagnosed with cancer. 

As I heard the "C" word, my health and survival became my singular focus. The more I began to understand about the long journey to remove this disease, the more I realized that the "stuff" didn't matter anymore.  All the possessions, the things we have accumulated over 30 years of marriage, even the house we built with our own hands were suddenly secondary.  As I contemplated letting go of so many things that I had once treasured, I realized that the process of letting go was just what I needed to face cancer. I needed to let go of the things that hold me back.  This is a time to simplify and move forward, not a time to hang onto the past. As I grow in my acceptance of this disease, I find that it is easier to let go of the old house, the stuff, and even my self image.   By lightening my load, I can focus on the people who give me love and support, and the small things that give me joy.  It feels like a feng shui on my whole life. Through my cancer journey, I have lost my right breast.  I will lose my hair and, worst of all, I will not be considered healthy for a long time. But I can accept that price to ensure that I am ready and open to whatever treatment is necessary to save my life.

I  am ready to let go and surrender to the process of my cancer treatments.  What I can't let go of is the love and support from you, my family and friends.  In the end, that love and support is all that matters. Your love and support will carry me through the many months ahead in my cancer journey. The rest is just stuff.