My Superpowers are not Working

Just when I thought I had this breast cancer thing figured out, I have faced the harsh reality of real life. I am not 'Super Woman' or even 'Amazing Cancer Girl'. No I am just a regular, simple human - with no super powers, after all.

Today was my second day back at work. Almost everyone I have met with, over the last two days, has told me that they were surprised I was back so soon (a warning message if I ever heard one) and that I looked really good (ie. better than expected for 3 weeks after surgery).

On day 1, I was excited to be back and reengaging with the work I love. Kelsey walked with me from the ferry, both for moral support and to carry my stuff, since I'm not supposed to lift anything. I felt great, until about noon. Then I could feel my energy start to slip. It was hard to concentrate and I just felt a bit fuzzy. So much was going on, so much to process, it was just a bit too much.

I had a doctor's appointment, so I left early and took a cab to the cancer center. The doctor took out my final stitches and warned me not to over do things at work. Otherwise, she said that everything looked good, she renewed my muscle medication, and reminded me that walking is good, lifting is bad. I got home a little early, ate dinner and went straight to bed. I was exhausted!

Day 2 was even harder. My calendar was completely booked  with meetings. I had asked for a second laptop, so I could keep one computer in the office and one at home. Even laptops are too heavy to lug back and forth on the ferry every day. What I didn't consider is how hard it would be just carrying a laptop between meetings all day.

 On day2, I felt more engaged and capable mentally, not quite my old self but pretty good. By the end of the day, however, I felt much worse physically. As hard as I tried to rally, my body just couldn't give anymore.

Instead of walking the whole way to the ferry, I listened to my body and took the monorail halfway. Unfortunately, I was bringing home the second laptop, which I carried carefully only on my left side. Even though I tried to take it easy, carrying the laptop proved to be too much. By the time I hit the ferry, I was in real pain. When I got off and reached my husband's car, I hurt so badly that I was in tears!

Once I had a chance to relax and take my muscle relaxants, the pain subsided. I ate dinner and felt my energy come back. I am really tired, but more difficult is the realization that I am not even close to being back to normal.

As much as I want to move forward and get beyond cancer, I am still not fully healed. I still have more treatments and another surgery before I am finished with reconstruction.  Then there is the big challenge of chemotherapy to get through. I want to be strong and super human. But, this is a long term process and we are only just beginning the journey through cancer. Tonight I have to face reality. There really isn't a magic spell or any super power that can make it happen any faster.