Sharing the news

Telling friends and family that you have cancer is tough.  When I first found out, it was tough because it was so hard for me to even say the words out loud.  Just saying the words made it real, scary, almost unthinkable.  It also made me all about cancer - once you say "I have cancer" it becomes everything.  It feels like it suddenly defines who you are.  I want to say to the world, I am still me, I am not just cancer!

I did not want to tell anyone until we talked to our cancer surgeon.  I needed to have a few answers about what was ahead, I needed to know what this meant before I could tell my story.  After that day when I met with my surgeon, I could only call just a few people.  I called my sister, Lisa.  She had been through some difficult things, she had leaned on others to share her news, she knew what it meant to need others to speak for her.  I told her and asked her to call my family and tell them. I also asked her to ask them to give me space, a few days before I could talk.  It was still too hard to say the words, "I have cancer." 

I sent a few emails out to friends, telling them the information and the prognosis.  Telling them I needed their support, and asking them not to call.  Emails could be read when I was safely at home, when I had the space to laugh, or cry, or fall apart.  Talking to people live, no matter how much they wanted to support me, was just too heartbreaking.

At work, I sent out an email.  It had all the facts and also asked for space and patience.  It went to my team, the HR leadership, the leaders at work that I directly support. Although I was not worried about privacy or afraid of people knowing, I was afraid of how I would respond.  People were kind, supportive and caring - but that brought me to my knees.  I could not be professional and strong, when people were worried about me.  I was worried too, scared for me, but even more I was scared and worried about my husband, my kids, my extended family.  The tears were so close to the surface, it made it hard to think about anything except work.  While I was in that professional space, I could be there and be myself.  When it became personal, all my deepest fears came right to the surface.

It took a few weeks of doctors appointments, research, reading and just being with the
diagnosis before I settled in, accepted the cancer and became at peace with this new me.  I am not cancer, I am still Julie.  This has happened to me, but it does not define me, I am still my same old self.  I can't change the diagnosis, but I can choose how to approach this journey.  I did not deserve this, I did not do anything to make this happen.  As my surgeon told me, this type of cancer is random.  Random.  At first that was unsettling, but now there is some comfort in knowing that it could really just be random.

So, I am going into my surgery calm, at peace and ready to move through cancer treatment without hurt, blame or anger, but with love, peace and acceptance.  I know I am strong and I know I am willing to do everything to survive.  The path to healing is through love, support and caring.  I have so much support from so many people. I have all the love in my heart for my family, friends and everyone with me in this journey.  That is all I need....that is all that really matters. Thank you all for your love.