Slow down, you move too fast

This morning I awoke to a cloudy gray sky.  After several sunny NW days, I was actually glad to have clouds.  They are a reminder to slow down and be still.  The cloudy sky allowed me to sleep later and to start the day peacefully.  Yesterday I called into a couple of meetings at work. Even though I was just listening in for most of the time, by mid-afternoon it was clear that I had done too much. I hurt and had a flare up of muscle pain, intense enough that Joe wanted me to call the doctor (which I did not do).

Today I am enjoying the stillness of a cloudy morning.  I took Butch for a quiet walk in the park.  It was nice because the clouds also kept most of the crowds away.  I could let him run and relax, rather than having to leash him.  I could pay attention to the small things, trees that have new flowers, baby ducks in the pond, the sounds and smells of spring.

One of the interesting lessons from cancer, is the importance of being in the moment. First because you are in a place where you want to see, hear, smell and feel the life around you, the Zen of being present. But even more so, because you are in a space where the future is so uncertain.  Right now I can't make plans beyond June 5, because I don't know what the timing or impact of my chemo treatment will be. I can't think beyond this summer, because there are so many unknowns about how I will feel and what else may be happening with my treatments. Its hard to imagine how I will feel or what I will want to do a year from now. And to imagine several years out, I feel like I would almost jinx myself if I think about plans for a distant future, at least until I get through this cancer journey.

I am a planner, so this is especially hard for me. I am always thinking about the years ahead, planning for vacations or saving money for retirement, imagining what we will be doing,... someday. Its hard to be in a space where my future feels so uncertain, where life itself feels so tenuous. And yet, it is also a relief to just let go. To allow myself to release the burden of trying to plan for and control the future, feels freeing.

If all I have for sure is today, then I can just be, just notice, just enjoy...what life is, right now.