Hearing "The News"

I had no idea how I would take news like this.  What do you do when someone tells you; "you have cancer"?  What happens to your safe, happy picture of your life when you hear news like this?

I was at work. It was an especially busy day, because I was leaving early to pick up my two best friends from college at the airport.  That day was the start of our annual roommates weekend.  It was April 3rd. I had just had a biopsy two days earlier, but I was sure it was nothing. How could it be anything else?  The call was supposed to be a relief, something we would talk about during our weekend together.  I was not prepared for hearing something that would both ruin my special weekend and then impact almost everything in my life.

When the nurse said those words, I went numb.  I know she kept talking, explaining what would happen next, because I wrote it all down.  But I wasn't there... I did not hear a thing.  I was somewhere else, where bad things did not happen to people like me.  I thanked her, hung up the phone and went on with my day.  I had no time for this, I had to get finished with work so that I could be at the airport on time.  It never even occurred to me to call my husband or family - that would make it all real and true, I had no time for that today.

Being an HR Director, I am very skilled and experienced in the art of compartmentalizing information.  It is how we, in HR, keep information confidential, maintain integrity and treat people with respect, despite having information about what may be happening to their jobs, their organization or other difficult changes that may impact them.  So that is what I did with my cancer news - set it aside until I was ready to actually face the news.

I picked up my friends, laughed,  and hugged them. We shared stories and updated each other on our lives.  We got to my new house and I showed them around with my husband.  No one, not even my husband, Joe, had any idea that I had just heard the worse news I could hear about my health.  For that last evening, I wanted desperately to be normal, healthy and happy.  I did not want to have cancer.

After my friends, Cindy and Diane, headed happily to bed, I sat in the hot tub with my husband of almost 30 years. Under the beautiful night sky, I took a deep breath and quietly broke his heart.  He did not hold back, he wept openly.  He instantly felt every emotion that I had been carefully holding back all day long. It was time for me to face the truth, I have cancer.