My Science Lesson

Once you have a diagnosis, like cancer, you find that you need to learn a new language, a new culture and, most of all, become a junior scientist.  The first appointment with my cancer surgeon was like a visit to cancer school. 

I really like my surgeon and the care system at Swedish hospital.  I was taken by her our very first meeting - she was warm, calm and reassuring.  One of the first things she did was hand me a binder full of information about all that lies ahead - the process, procedures, support resources, and more.  Then she handed me my pathology report and my science lesson began.  With compassion and grace she explained to me what they know about my cancer.  Here is what I have:

• Infiltrating ductal carcinoma approximately 2cm (caught early)
• High grade and high mitotic rate (this is bad, fast growing means it can spread aggressively)
• ER and PR positive (this is good, it means it will respond to hormonal therapy)
• HER2 negative (some therapy won't work, but lower risk of recurrence)
• Ki-67 high proliferation (high risk of recurrence)

So, what does this all mean? 

I am very lucky this was caught early.  It happened to be in an area my previous doctor was watching because I had a cyst nearby.  When I went in for a follow-up appointment to check on the cyst, they noted that the cyst was gone but nearby was some suspicious tissue.  The tissue had not shown up on a mammogram, but it turned out to be cancerous when they biopsied it.

The bad news is that this is an aggressive cancer, with somewhat high risk for recurrence.  This means that even though I have opted for a mastectomy, I cannot avoid chemotherapy.  I also will likely be on a hormone therapy, like tamoxifen, for several years after I complete chemotherapy.  I won't know the duration or type of chemotherapy I face, until we know if the cancer has spread to my lymph nodes. 

So, now I can speak cancer and I am on my way to being a junior cancer scientist.

Hearing "The News"

I had no idea how I would take news like this.  What do you do when someone tells you; "you have cancer"?  What happens to your safe, happy picture of your life when you hear news like this?

I was at work. It was an especially busy day, because I was leaving early to pick up my two best friends from college at the airport.  That day was the start of our annual roommates weekend.  It was April 3rd. I had just had a biopsy two days earlier, but I was sure it was nothing. How could it be anything else?  The call was supposed to be a relief, something we would talk about during our weekend together.  I was not prepared for hearing something that would both ruin my special weekend and then impact almost everything in my life.

When the nurse said those words, I went numb.  I know she kept talking, explaining what would happen next, because I wrote it all down.  But I wasn't there... I did not hear a thing.  I was somewhere else, where bad things did not happen to people like me.  I thanked her, hung up the phone and went on with my day.  I had no time for this, I had to get finished with work so that I could be at the airport on time.  It never even occurred to me to call my husband or family - that would make it all real and true, I had no time for that today.

Being an HR Director, I am very skilled and experienced in the art of compartmentalizing information.  It is how we, in HR, keep information confidential, maintain integrity and treat people with respect, despite having information about what may be happening to their jobs, their organization or other difficult changes that may impact them.  So that is what I did with my cancer news - set it aside until I was ready to actually face the news.

I picked up my friends, laughed,  and hugged them. We shared stories and updated each other on our lives.  We got to my new house and I showed them around with my husband.  No one, not even my husband, Joe, had any idea that I had just heard the worse news I could hear about my health.  For that last evening, I wanted desperately to be normal, healthy and happy.  I did not want to have cancer.

After my friends, Cindy and Diane, headed happily to bed, I sat in the hot tub with my husband of almost 30 years. Under the beautiful night sky, I took a deep breath and quietly broke his heart.  He did not hold back, he wept openly.  He instantly felt every emotion that I had been carefully holding back all day long. It was time for me to face the truth, I have cancer.

My cancer story

I have always wanted to write, but this is not the story I expected to tell.  I wanted to share stories about my work as an HR Director, the challenges of leadership, what I have experienced as a woman in the world of business.  Or maybe I would share stories about my family and the challenges of raising three children, funny things, slices of life.  Never in my all my thoughts about writing did I expect to be sharing my journey through cancer.  That was not ever part of my plan.

But, here I am and so here we go.  My intention is to have a place to share what is going on with me through this process with family and friends . I need to have a way to express myself and tell the story of what is happening to me.  My hope is that writing helps both my supporters and me, to understand this all better.  Not to make sense of cancer - because it does not make sense - but to make sense of the feelings and steps along the way. 

This is a journey I did not want, one I did not choose.  I know it will be hard, brutal, and take all the strength I have, but I intend to persevere and come through it all successfully.  I can't afford to imagine other outcomes, I need to believe that I can do this.  I will need the support, love, prayers and  positive thoughts and energy of everyone I can get.  Family, friends, colleagues, even strangers who happen onto this page.  You are all invited along with me, as long as you are here with a positive spirit and hope.